AFTER GLOW

These past couple weeks held an event, the kind I’d been dreaming about for months.  My oncologist determined that 4 months of Chemo would suffice.  My side effects were getting worse and in his opinion 6 months didn’t show any statistical advantage compared to 4 (due to the Colon/ Lynch combo).  So we tightened the valve, turned off the drip.  And there was dancing in the streets, literally one step and a turn- but that would do. 

So, one chapter ends and another begins.  Practically this means many things.  Regarding this blog it's time to say goodbye.  A metaphorical end for me, or beginning. Life and death, twins that they are.  I’m taking my name away and letting the words float solo in the ether of the internet.  I’ll still add things here or there so hopefully it can help others, but my identity with cancer needs to go.  You see, I need some distance.  I don’t even like being called a survivor.  We’re all survivors in my opinion, cancer or no cancer.  Its always something.  To live or to die.  The conjoined twins reminding me of those two snakes on that familiar logo of Caduceus. 

Caduceus, which I freely used to associate with medicine.  In mythology its the traditional symbol of Hermes, the badge of two snakes wrapped around a winged staff plastered on EMTs and ambulances all around the country.  I realized recently that I didn’t know much about the mythic origins of Caduceus, so I looked it up.  And that’s when I discovered the poetry, or rather irony.  Irony on such a grand scale that it mystifies even me now as I write this.  Caduceus doesn’t mean medicine at all, not really.  For years and years our medical establishment has erroneously been using the wrong symbol!  Can you believe it??  I can.  Someone needs to fire marketing.  Or give them a medal, I can’t decide.    

The tip-off should’ve been Hermes.  I always wondered why Hermes was connected to healing and medicine.  Hermes is the God of trade and thieves- a guide to the underworld, isn’t he?  What does that have to do with medicine?  Not a ton.  Caduceus is closely associated with trickery and negotiation- perhaps the better logo for Big Pharma, no?  Or Congress?   But surely not medicine.  What went wrong? Well, somewhere down the road the medical community made a mistake. 

What the marketing ding dongs should’ve used instead (and granted, some do- which makes them non ding dongs) was the Rod of Asclepius.  Asclepius is the Greek God of healing and medicine.  His symbol is one snake wrapped around one staff, no wings (the wings on Caduceus represent Mercury which is the Roman equivalent of the Greek Hermes, I think). 

If there’s one thing we might deduce from this age old “oops,” its this: The medical establishment makes mistakes, perhaps many, perhaps so many that Caduceus is in fact the more appropriate symbol.  But honestly, I’m really not nearly as negative on the health industry as it seems.  I love my doctors and nurses- they are heroes to me.  What I’m reacting to is the $700 I pay for three pills every two weeks.  The money that others less fortunate aren’t able to pay.  So they don’t get the medicine to help stop the incessant nausea (or whatever other side effect they literally can’t afford to live without).  I sat next to many during chemo.  Its appalling.  Just wanted to be clear.  I love those trying to actually heal.  I don’t love those trying to make a fortune from the unfortunate.  What happened? Tangent.  “Oops.” 

As I follow the absurdity of medical mascots I focus on the snake.  What’s up with that snake?  Why snakes? In the correct mythology, Asclepius witnessed a snake he had killed (with staff) come alive by another snake cramming herbs down its throat.  Of course how the snake did that without any hands is a mystery, but that shouldn’t be my concern- and yet strangely it is.   

In history, snakes were part of ancient medicine and worship. Non venomous snakes- called the Aesculapian snakes- were tossed about the temple and dormitories of the sick and dying.  Some venomous snakes were used in certain therapies.  The snake being one of the earliest forms of pharmaceuticals.  Results were mixed, just as today.  Nothing’s changed except for the perception of the medical establishment. The ancients knew to be realistic in their expectations.   There was an ambiguity regarding medicine.  So much so, that the Greek’s determined the best name for what we now call pharmaceuticals was the name pharmakon, which meant “drugs,” “medicine” and (no, really?) “poison.” They knew medicine to be a bit of a crap shoot.  There was more to healing than what doctors could provide (see: integrative medicine).  BUT what we should all hold onto is what I’ve been trying to get at here….  Snakes shed their skin. They are constantly reborn, renewed in physical form.  A symbol of rejuvenation.  Now that’s a worthy ambassador for any logo.  Yes, I’m adding a snake to the tattoo I keep talking about but never get.      

To circle back…

I'm done with chemo.  Yesterday, my surgeon removed the bulls eye in my chest and now its only a matter of days until the road to recovery officially begins.  And that in itself is somewhat terrifying.  What does one do with oneself after your life is returned?  How does one rebuild? How does one re enter the working world? How is the light different?  What comes after the glow of chemo and cancer is gone?

Recovery and redefinition of self might take the rest of my life but it'll be the day soon when I have strength to really leap into the first steps.  Until then I’m doing some long awaited therapy- perhaps the first step after all.  Juliet told me that there’s evidence in the positive effects of intensive therapy after cancer.  Regardless, I believe the head needs to unpack and discover the “trigger lessons.”  Begin to discover why I welcomed this disease into my life.  I’m not one who can just sit back and moan about misfortune.  I mean I can and do quite effectively,  but I also won’t allow myself to baste in the waste.  I’m antsy.  So I’m taking off on a road trip. I’m leaving the phone and computer for a while.  I’m getting distance. 

Thank you to all who’ve read and supported this particular journey.  Thank you to those friends that have led the way before me, some who didn’t stay around as long as they should’ve (in my opinion).  Ed, Russell, Taash.  I will be treasuring the good will life long.  I embrace you in every word.  So, as a closing gesture to this one case of  “Colon, Cancer, chemo oh my” maybe you the reader could embrace someone or thing else.  A partner, an offspring, a dog or cat, lama or cow, flower, rock, a halfwit, the guy behind some desk, whatever whoever.  A symbolic sending off.  From one journey to the next.  Why not? The healing you will feel from selflessly and lovingly grabbing another will be unlike any pill you could swallow.  It is the connection between two energies.  Touch.  Trust me. I just hugged the guy at the front desk and it felt wonderful.  Of course, he's now calling security.  I love you.  I gotta go.